Who can defeat CoronaVirus?

Honestly, I wasn’t sure how serious to take CoronaVirus until today. Why today? This is why. If this CoronaVirus can defeat Waffle House, we’re all in big, big trouble. But, there has to be someone, somewhere who can actually defeat this thing, right?

Great question – glad you asked. Allow me to present our best options for defeating Coronavirus.*

*Please note Dr. Fauci has not approved this list. But still probably just as effective as some of the suggestions coming from some people who have a slightly larger platform than Work Hangover.

Rocky Balboa – Call it a coincidence, or divine intervention, but as I was reeling from the news of Waffle House closing, Rocky Balboa had just landed in Russia to begin training for his fight with Ivan Drago. The parallels are striking – an unstoppable force from a foreign country came to the US, was virtually unknown and totally underestimated, and ended up being deadly. He was stronger than anything we’d ever seen before. He embodied the mantra, “If he dies, he dies.” So, how do you defeat an unknown and terrifying force? You go into complete isolation with only your closest family, grow a beard and start lifting random things around your house. Before you know it, you change, the Coronavirus changes, we all change.

Chuck Norris – Duh.

The US Women’s Soccer Team – So far, they’ve beaten every soccer team they’ve played, a couple presidents of the US Soccer Federation and pretty soon the gender pay disparity. I’m pretty sure the Coronavirus has no chance against these women. Quick aside – and I realize this will come across as blasphemous – but Rose Lavelle was the best player for US during last summer’s World Cup.

Kenny from South Park – They kept killing him, but he kept coming back for more. This relentlesness is critical in the fight against Coronavirus. You want to feel old? South Park first aired in 1997. According to Wikipedia, they stopped killing Kenny in every episode in 2002. For the newcomers to Work Hangover, this also corresponds with the last time I was aware of pop culture.

Mike Krzyzewski – Just kidding.

Bruce Wayne – You want to know who isn’t afraid of bats, or a highly contagious disease that originated from bats? Batman. That’s who. Well, not the Ben Affleck or George Clooney Batman. But the Michael Keaton or Christian Bale Batman will work. And, how bad are things going for you where you’re buying discount bat from a street vendor for lunch? Not judging…I feel sorry for him. Won’t be complaining about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I make tomorrow for lunch because we’re out of Boars Head Premium Cut ham.

Katie Ledecky – Have you ever tried to run 800m in a race? I have. And with 200m to go my legs gave out, I face planted onto the track and vomited. Now, try doing that without being able to breathe. That’s what swimming 800m feels like and she can do that faster than anyone in the world. So, you know, a pesky cough and fever will choke in her wake and suffocate.

Ole Miss Office of Planned Giving – Well, they won’t beat the virus, but if the virus beats you, they’d like for you to remember them in your estate plans!

I feel really good about this…I think we have a really solid plan to defeat Coronavirus. But, just in the off chance that Rocky Balboa or Batman is busy, let’s try what the scientists recommend. To answer Ricky Bobby’s existential question, “What do I do with my hands?”…you wash them. You keep them out of your face. And wash them again.

Published by workhangover

I'm a blog, mostly about sports. Come for the gripping analysis, stay for the witty jokes.

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