An Evening with Roger Goodell

We normally ignore all drafts because frankly, they aren’t that interesting. It’s a lot of people rambling, a pick is made every 15 minutes, and then it’s an ongoing battle to see who can find the most absurd way to describe something that’s pretty basic.   Arm talent is arm strength.  It’s not complicated.  But when you pay people absurd amounts of money to talk about the same thing over and over again, year after year, arm talent becomes a thing. We’re not impressed, Mel Kiper. 

Regardless, this year’s NFL Draft is taking place live from Roger Goodell’s basement is too great to pass up.  And, with our beloved Redskins picking second, we actually have something invested in this…or we will for about 15 minutes. And then Dan Snyder will screw it up. We’re just excited for the Skins to miss their pick because Snyder is accidentally on mute and time expires. And yes, we know it’s bad when we’ve resorted to Zoom Dad jokes.  

Here are our thoughts from watching the first round. Or as much of it as we can be bothered to watch before we fall asleep. 

Epic night on the sports calendar, per Rece Davis’ opening.  Rece – we love you, but this thing is only getting watched because there is nothing else on.  Perhaps we’re in the minority on this issue among sports fans, but all credit to the NFL for the job they’ve done brainwashing people into making this an “epic night on the sports calendar.” 

More importantly, Andy Reid in a Hawaiian shirt sighting. After that Super Bowl win, we’re assuming he’s averaged 11 beers a day.  Who are we kidding? He’s been averaging 11 beers a day for a lot longer than 3 months. And now we’re having a virtual draft – there’s no way he believes this is a real thing. He’ll wake up tomorrow around noon and ask when does the real draft happen.  

Can we get some virtual booing of Roger Goodell? Can’t ESPN pipe in some sounds effects? 

Not sure why we’re playing the national anthem, but the sound isn’t matching up to the lip syncing from Harry Connick Jr. Off to a great start! 

Joe Burrow standing for the fake national anthem. Love it.  A hell of a model American! Your reward – go play for the Bengals. 

Bud Light with the win. #BooTheCommish  

Want to know how desperate people are for some semblance of sports. They made Holey Moley II – the putt putt adventure course with Rob Riggle commenting. We spent 7 straight birthdays as a child at Putt Putt, so our love for this version of golf runs deep. But that show was awful. 

Andy Reid – testing the sound on his giant headphones. Is this thing on? Can we just keep a camera on him at all times? 

This is painfully awkward. I love it.  And ESPN just piped in the boos for Goodell. He’s the worst. We’re sorry for encouraging this idea.  

It’s 8:20 and we still haven’t seen a pick. And this is one of the hundreds of reasons why the draft is miserable. We’ll be lucky to see the first five picks. 

Our first Zoom bingo moment – a “you go ahead. No, you go ahead” interaction between Rece and Herbstreit.  

Still no picks. We don’t need 7 different people to tell us about how good Joe Burrow is at throwing the football.  We get it. We watched LSU dismantle everyone last season. Glad Joe just showed off his Bengals hat. And how many of Duke Tobin’s kids friends tried to get themselves invited over to his house tonight? And how mnay people reading this have any idea who Duke Tobin is? And how many people writing this knew who Duke Tobin was prior to them showing him on TV tonight? The answer, is zero. 

Burrow goes to the Bengals. Let’s talk about him for another 15 minutes. Jesse – was Burrow accurate? We’re not sure whether you think he’s an accurate passer of the football.  Maybe if you discuss it another 4 times.   

Love Desmond Howard with his Heisman trophy in the background.  Pretty sure that’s what the kids call a “flex.” But nice jersey, Herbstreit. 

And the Redskins select Chase Young. Mrs. Hangover’s response, “I hate him.” Not much love for the Buckeyes in this house. As we’re learning about his singing, and hear some of his vocal chops on a song that includes the lyrics “I wanna go…”, Mrs. Hangover says, “I wanna go to the next part of the show when you’re not signing.” Guessing our birthday present will not include a Chase Young jersey. Also, an alarming number of Ohio State Buckeyes are on the Redskins.  

A quick moment to discuss what it’s like to be a Redskins fan of a certain age.  Specifically, our age. By the time we were 11, we’d experienced 3 Super Bowl Championships, had one of the best coaches in the history of football, and could watch players like Darrell Green, Art Monk and Dexter Manley.  We had The Posse and The Hogs. A group of middle aged, overweight men would put on dresses and fake pig noses and show up at games calling themselves the Hogettes and it wasn’t weird at all.  Times were good.  

Then, in 1999, Daniel Snyder purchased the team.  In the 20 years since then, there have been 9 different head coaches, one of which referred to the Redskins team colors as “Maroon and Black” in his introductory press conference. They’ve won 1 playoff game.   In 20 years. They won 17 in the 20 years prior to that with only 3 coaches.  So, you know, things are going great.  

The Lions take a Buckeye. Interesting point from Rece Davis – the top 3 picks all went to Ohio State (Burrow transferred). Not a brilliant analyst like Jesse Palmer, but we think we know why Ohio State keeps beating Michigan.  

And we’ve now reached the point in the draft where we could care less. But I’m sure this offensive lineman that the Giants just drafted is terrific. 

Goodell just butchered Tua’s last name.  What are we doing, Roger? All you have to do is pronounce names and your first big test, which you have known was coming for months, you blow it.  Too many shots to the head, Roger? Or is CTE just for the players? 

Tua’s family does not seem particularly excited. But, nice lining on the suit jacket Tua.  We’re impressed, even if mom and dad aren’t. Seriously, though, Tua seems like a good kid. Happy for him after all the injuries he dealt with, and we wish him the best.  

The Los Angeles Chargers select…wait. What? Los Angeles Chargers?  When did that happen? The things you miss in quarantine.  Anyway, they released new uniforms this week, and we have to say, they are pretty awesome. Can’t wait to go to San Diego and watch them play.  

Derrick Brown wants to get into “athletic apparel” after football. Uh, ok. But David Pollack just said “he’s so strong with his hands.”  Listen, Brown sounds like a great guy, and we wish him a long, successful career in football, or athletic apparel, or both. But when you tell us that a defensive lineman is strong with his hands, it’s not helping us believe you have any idea what you are talking about. He’s also fast with his feet AND can see with his eyes.  Steal of the draft. 

Goodell keeps trying to interact with the “fans” who clearly prerecorded videos.  Give it up.  We need more Andy Reid.  Less Goodell. Unless he’s feeding that jar of Peanut M&Ms on his desk to Andy Reid. 

And this is where we decided that putting our kid and ourselves to bed was a better use of our time than watching.  We did learn that someone was wearing a bath robe when he was drafted by the Las Vegas Raiders, which could not possibly be more on brand. He won’t have any issues focusing on football while living in Las Vegas.  So, we hate that we missed that but pretty sure we’ll be ok.  Three final thoughts on the first round of the NFL draft: 

  1. Roger Goodell may be very good at many things, but public speaking from his basement is not one of them. 
  1. Andy Reid is the hero we deserve in these challenging times. 
  1. If you didn’t watch because you thought the normal NFL draft was boring to watch, take away the few interesting parts and replacing them with more analysts repeating the same things over and over again along with several awkward silences and you have what happened last night.  

Finally, part of our lack of interest in the draft is that no one really knows if any of these players will pan out. Joe Burrow seems to be a really good quarterback.  But so did Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch and Joey Harrington when they were drafted. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Joe Burrow left Ohio State because he couldn’t beat out JT Barrett for the starting position. And in his first year at LSU, he was…mediocre?  So, he had a great year and credit to him for working hard, getting better and improving. But, he won’t have a decided talent advantage at all positions over everyone he plays ever again like he did this past year at LSU. 

The truth is people like Mel Kiper Jr and Todd McShay can spend their livelihood tracking trends and things that lead to being a successful NFL player, but they don’t know. Nor do the NFL scouts. Or Bill Belichick. And certainly not anyone at Work Hangover. But, the common theme for why people are watching, and why people get excited is hope. So, for those of you who watch the draft and are ecstatic that your team took an offensive lineman from Iowa, enjoy it. Live it up. Because, frankly, our favorite team is going to be a disaster for the foreseeable future, no matter what happens in this draft. And that is in no way depressing at all. 

Published by workhangover

I'm a blog, mostly about sports. Come for the gripping analysis, stay for the witty jokes.

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